watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
