The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
