I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
