frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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