So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
