i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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