It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
