i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
