You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
