R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
