I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
