Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
