you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
