she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
