Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize