goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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