it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
