The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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