How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
me + whiskey = a bad person
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
