I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
