She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
