What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize