he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The cops high fived after they tackled you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
