So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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