I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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