im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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