tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
don't judge my taste in strippers
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
