The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
