Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize