i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
