is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
As shirtless as possible
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
