My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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