tell your sister to shave her snatch
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
