Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
