I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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