My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
