So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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