i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
