I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
