party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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