We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
