ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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