i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
