I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
