First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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