Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
