Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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