I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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