Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
