I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
