I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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