I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
