Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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