Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
operation have a gay friend backfired
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
