I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
