Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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