matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
