Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
