____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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